To Be Smarter Than A Rock, But Dumber Than A Stick
by dragonEYE
Summary: Cloud has a date with...Mukki... Aeris beats the crap out of Sephiroth, and alot of weird stuff is about to happen...
1. Disclaimer

Disclaimer: I own none of these characters they all belong to Square. Pssh. Like I could get away with it anyways. 


	2. The Party

The FF7 charecters are all living in the same neighborhood. Red XIII is the only (fortunate) one who is still living in Cosmo Canyon. Aeris is still alive, (dear god) and Cloud is still single. Some odd things may happen, some may scare you, some may make you laugh, but just remember.You have been warned.  
  
We join our heroes at Cloud's pool party, celebrating yet another win at the chocobo race tracks.  
  
[Knock Knock] Cloud opens the door.  
  
"Hey, Cid! Great to see you man, come on in!" Cid steps in and looks around. There are a lot of people there Cid has never met before, some he has only met once or twice, but he spots the former members of AVALANCHE quickly. Off in the far corner of the room Tifa and Aeris are gossiping away happily. Barret and Red XIII are sitting at the couch watching football. In the back are Vincent, Yuffie, and Cait Sith. Cid scratches his head, "Why isn't anyone swimming?" he thought curiously. But he shrugged it off and went to join Barret and Red.  
  
*In the Back*  
  
"SoIjustboughtthiscoolmegaphoneandIreallylikeitbecauseitsrainbowcolorandnowp eoplelistentomewhenItalkandIthinkitsjustgreatbecauseitsreallyreallycool," Cait Sith takes a deep breath, "Don't you think so?" Yuffies eye twitches as Cait Sith continues to speak a mile a minute. Vincent joins her side and whispers out of the corner of his mouth, "Okay, I chased everyone away, go for it!" Yuffie snaps out of her trance and grins evilly. Cait Sith hops up and down, "YeahsoIreallylikethisreallycoolmegaphoneand, and.hey, why are you looking at me all funny? You know the last time someone looked at me like that they tried to hit my head with a bat." Cait Sith chuckled, "Actually it was only five minutes AGOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Yuffie shoved Cait Sith off of his stuffed mog and into the water. She laughed hysterically as sparks flew and smoke rose in the air. "Aww, man. Why'd you guys go and do that?" Vincent and Yuffie turn around and see Cloud looking at the pool in disgust, "Now I'm going to have to fish him out, or no ones going to be able to swim!" Yuffie scratched her head, "Uh, sorry Cloud. But he wouldn't leave us alone!" Vincent nodded, "You try having him talk to you for over an hour!"  
  
*Back in the living room*  
  
Barret stood up yelling, "OH COME ON REF THAT WASN'T NO FOUL!" Cid rolled his eyes, "Of course it was! Bamboski punched the guy in the gut! He should be pulled from the game!" "Bull shit! He was defendin' himself!" "From a quarterback!?" Barret growled, "Fine, let's let Red decide." They both turned to Red XIII. "Who do you think is right? Me?" he turned and eyed Cid angrily, "Or him?" Red sniffed indignantly, "I don't partake in shallow activities such as this." A man called from across the room, "YO RED XIII!" "What!?" he called angrily. "I bet you 300 gil that the Golden Chocobo's win tonights hockey game." Red laughed, "YOUR ON PAL!" He turned to look back at Barret and Cid, who were staring at him, "What? I never said Hockey was shallow!" There was a sudden crash. Everyone ducked as wood and debris blasted out in all directions. Cloud ran in from the back, "What the hell!?" There was a moments silence. Then- "Laydees and Jentlemen.Pleashe put yo' handsh togetha fo' RENO!" Reno stumbled inside looking very drunk. He squinted his eyes and looked around as though trying to find the crowd, "Have no fear!" he hiccoughed, "RENO IS HERE!" then Rude and Elena stumbled inside, both of them falling to the ground, apparently drunk as well, "Followed by hish trusty sidekicksh, R- ude and E-lena!" He bowed and fell over. Several people laughed and clapped. Cloud however went ballistic, "WHAT ARE YOU THREE FREAKS DOING HERE?? AND WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO TO MY FRONT DOOR!?" But he was distracted when several scandally clad girls ran past him. Tifa and Aeris growled.  
  
*Off in the dining room, Vincent, Yuffie, Johnny, (Tifa's friend) and Choco Billy are playing a game of cards*  
  
Cloud walks in, "Heey, cards! What are you guys playing?" Johnny looks up and says, "Oh were playing Go Fish." Yuffie rolled her eyes, "JUNIOR over here doesn't know how to play ANYTHING. Same goes for him." She nodded toward Billy. "Dammit woman I told you my parents never allowed me to play those kinds of games!" "Then why the hell did you move out of their house if your still going to follow their rules!?" "You know what I've had it up to here with you!" Cloud groaned and went back out into the living room. "HOMO!"  
  
"SLUT!"  
  
"RUMP RANGER!"  
  
"BITCH!" Billy looked between the two, then looked across the table at Vincent, frantically indicating between Yuffie and Johnny but never saying anything, as though afraid they may start on him next. Vincent shrugged, "Let them go at it." He seemed to say, "Besides its funny." Billy's eyes widened in shock and fear. He looked back at Yuffie and Johnny, who had been fighting the entire time. Johnny threw his soda in Yuffies face. "WHOOPS! You seem to have gotten in the way of the soda I was dumping out!" Yuffie growled and punched him in the nose, "OUCH!" "WHOOPS! Your face seems to have gotten in the way of my fist!" Johnny's face turned as red as his hair, and without warning he dove at Yuffie from across the table. Billy screamed and ran out. Vincent however simply scooted his chair back, took out his revolver, and loaded it with tranquilizers grinning evilly the entire time.  
  
*Back in the living room*  
  
"DAMMIT CID I'M TELLIN' YA', WILLIAMS CHEATED! HE THREW DIRT INTO ROBINSON'S EYES!!" Barret yelled.  
  
Cid threw his beer can onto the floor, "AND I'M TELLIN' YOU THAT IT ISN'T A FOUL UNTIL THE REF CALLS IT!" Barret looked ready to strangle him to death but then stopped when a whistle rang out, "BOTH OF YOU KNOCK. IT. OFF." Barret and Cid turned around to see Tifa with her arms folded. "Now WHAT is the problem?" Both Cid and Barret looked down at the ground guiltily. Red XIII cleared his throat, "Barret and Cid were arguing whether Williams cheated because he threw dirt into Robinson's eyes in order to score a touch down." "Oh is that all?" Barret and Cid nodded, Tifa rolled her eyes, "Well its OBVIOUS. Williams cheated." Barret punched the air. "HAH! Take that! Even Tifa agrees with me and she's a girl!" If this were a movie, then you would hear a record scratch. Tifa clenched her fists, "WHAT." Barret looked terrified, "Tifa, Tifa come on." He laughed nervously, "You know I was only jokin'." Tifa turned a deep red. Cid ran away while Red XIII ducked under the couch. She suddenly exploded, "WHY IS IT THAT MEN ALWAYS DISCRIMINATE AGAINST ME!? YOU WANNA KNOW WHY? DO YOU!? WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHY! BECAUSE I HAVE A VAGINA!" Everyone stopped to watch. "FOR ONCE I WISHED PEOPLE WOULDN'T ALWAYS POINT OUT THE FACT THAT I'M A GIRL!! MEN ARE ALWAYS STARING AT MY BREASTS AND ASKING WHETHER I'M A MODEL FOR NAUGHTY MAGAZINES! AND I'M SICK OF IT!! I MEAN GEEZ! I ONLY MODELED FOR THEM ONCE!!" A man behind Tifa suddenly cried out, "HEY! You're the Naughty Angel! I remember! You were in Issue No. 175-" It happened in a flash. The man flew up in the air, almost as though in slow motion, then came crashing down on poor Choco Billy, who was still crying from what happened before. Tifa looked around at the crowd dangerously as though daring anyone else to step forward. No one took the challenge. Cid crept back to Barret's side, who at the moment, was standing rooted to the spot. Then, while still keeping his eyes on Tifa, he whispered, "I still say Williams didn't cheat."  
  
*At the snack table*  
  
"Yo Rude, check this out!" Reno tossed some cheesy puffs into the air, they all hit his face. Rude chuckled stupidly. He looked around, almost losing his balance, "Heeeyyy, wheres Eeeelena?" Reno looked around to, "Dunno."  
  
*Out in the front yard*  
  
Vincent, after shooting Yuffie and Johnny with the tranquilizers, had carried them both outside and was setting up the 'love' scene. Fortunately everyone was distracted by Tifa's little show, so no one noticed when he came back in and dragged an unconscious Elena out too. He set up a sign reading, "Free Sex, Crack Heads Welcome." He stepped back and took several pictures, "Vincent, you're a genius." He said happily to himself as he walked back inside.  
  
*Back at the snack table*  
  
Reno sniffed the punch and sipped directly from the bowl. His face screwed and he spit on the floor, "Blargh! This punch tastes like crap!" Rude looked at it, "It looksh like piss." Reno took out a bottle of rum and poured a small amount into the bowl. Rude frowned, grabbed the bottle and poured the whole thing in. Reno took a cup and tried it. "Perfect!" he said going red in the face. Rude grinned, then passed out onto the floor. Reno looked over the table, "Guess its sleepy time."  
  
*Out in the front yard*  
  
Two crackheads walk by and spot Yuffie, Johnny, and Elena in their erotic pose. One says, "WOW! FREE SEX! Do they really mean it??" "They must! Look at these three!" they walk inside as several other people stop to look at the scene.  
  
*In the party*  
  
Aeris looked around nervously, "Um, Cloud?" Cloud who was bringing in more cheese puffs looked at her, "Yeah?" "Um," Aeris rubbed the back of her neck, "Don't you think there's an awful lot of people here?" Cloud shrugged, "I invited a lot of people." She shook her head, "No I mean, more than before." she yelped and ducked just in time as a beer can flew over her head. "Er, yes actually I just noticed it." Aeris looked around more nervous still, "And don't you think everyone is acting a bit out of control??" There was a splash, Cloud looked outside to see several people skinny dipping. He looked away and saw a man trying to drink an entire keg of beer. "Um," Cloud scratched his head, "Yeah." "Well aren't you going to do something!?" "Uh." A man climbed onto the snack table wearing a bath robe. "Whoo!" He took of the robe to reveal his nude body. The party stops. A camera flashed.  
  
*.Uh, next to the snack table*  
  
Vincent chuckled as everyone stared at the naked man on the snack table. He grabbed a cup and filled it with punch. "Hey wait a minute." he took a sip, "This tastes!! .Really good." He drank the whole thing in two gulps, then proceeded to drink the entire bowl of punch. Reno came out from under the table, saw the naked man and called out, "I wuv yu man!!" Before passing out.  
  
*Two days later (thank god)*  
  
[Tifa on the phone]  
  
"Yeah so after the naked guy fell off the table and broke Cloud's antique vase, he went nuts. Took out his sword and attacked everyone and everything near him. He did get everyone out of the house, but when he went outside, the police came and arrested him along with Yuffie, Johnny, and Elena. It looked like they all passed out while having sex on the front lawn. So WE were forced to go and take care of all the knocked out drunks on the floor." She rolled her eyes, "Cloud better not expect us to bail him after all that work he left behind for us to do!"  
  
***To Be Continued. 


	3. The Plot Thickens

Now I warned you.This FanFic can go from normal to bad to worse, so those of you with high IQ's may want to leave the building.  
  
Now we join Aeris 4 days after the party.  
  
Aeris decided she wanted to go to the park today, so she went. She walked merrily along enjoying the cool breeze now blowing. She sat down at a bench, "So Yuffie, Elena, and Johnny all got bailed.Except poor Cloud." She thought sadly, "I'd bail him out, but I don't have all that much money right now." Two birds chirped merrily. "Tifa says it was his fault and that he should learn from his mistakes, but is it his fault he's a blind idiot?" The two birds continued to chirp, "Maybe if I do what Tifa did, then I'll get enough money!" The birds friendly conversation turned into a violent fight, screeching and chirping loudly. "THAT'S IT!" Aeris yelled. She cast fire on the two birds. They went up in smoke. "Mmm, smells like chicken." Aeris turned around to see Cid standing there smelling the scent of the two roasted birds. He rubbed his stomach, "Haven't eaten anything all day, you having a picnic or somethin'?" Aeris scratched her head, "Uh, more like a barbecue."  
  
*From the point of view of the guy hiding in the bushes.*  
  
"Aha!" he said under his breath. "I've got you now you slippery little."  
  
*From Aeris' point of view.*  
  
[twig snaps] "What was that?" Aeris looked around but saw no one else nearby. "Eh? Oh its probably just some wild animal. Now, about that barbecue." But suddenly a silver haired man with a masume blade leapt out from the bushes. "DIE!" Aeris smacked Sephiroth (in case you hadn't figured it out) right on the head with her Princess Guard. She continued to beat the crap out of him until Cid finally stopped her, "Woah, WOAH! Aeris calm down will ya'? Sides' I think he's already dead." Aeris looked at Cid in shock as though just realizing what she had done, she looked down at Sephiroth's unmoving body and put a hand to her mouth, "Oh dear."  
  
*In the jail Cloud is in*  
  
"COME ON! Let me out!! PLEASE!" The guard shook his head, "Sorry bud, but you ain't going nowhere until someone bails you out." "But you haven't even given me a phone call yet!" "What?"  
  
"I SAID you haven't given me a phone call yet." The guard looked at him, "Oh alright, but ONE phone call." Cloud gave a sigh of relief. The guard gave him a quarter. Cloud first dialed Tifa's number.  
  
[Ring Ring] "Hello? Tifa? It's me Cloud. I- Hello? Hello!?" He slammed the phone back down. The guard stepped forward, "Alright come on pal, back to your cell." "No wait, just one more call!" "I said ONE phone call, ONE." "Uh, well, that wasn't a real phone call." The guard opened his mouth as though to say something, found he couldn't and handed Cloud another quarter. Cloud stared at him, "What an idiot." he thought. He dropped in the quarter and dialed Aeris' number.  
  
[Ring Ring Ring Ring..]  
  
He slammed the phone back down again. The guard handed him another quarter. Cloud kept trying and trying until.  
  
"Alright, THAT'S IT. All the people you called aren't home. Time for you to go back to your cell." "N-No!" Cloud cried desperately, "I still have one more number to dial!!" The guard sighed and handed him another quarter. Cloud dialed the number, knowing he would regret it later.  
  
[Ring Ring]  
  
"H-Hello, Mukki? I-It's me.hubby."  
  
*Back at the park with Aeris and Cid*  
  
"Cid what am I going to do!? I'll go to jail for this, I just know it!" Aeris had gone hysterically. Cid just simply sat eating the two birds Aeris fried earlier. "And what if he really ISN'T dead!? He'll come back and kill me!!" Cid sighed, "Look, you beat the shit out of him, his ass ain't gettin' up ever again." "Well what do I do now then!?" "It's obvious, you need to get rid of the body!" "Oh." she hesitated. "Wassamatter?" "I, uh, think I hear someone coming!" "Aeris, stallin' ain't going to help-" but it was true. Someone was coming. A skinny jogger was coming their way. Aeris turned into a statue. Cid dropped the chicken he was eating. The jogger ran past them, he waved merrily. But neither of them waved back. He kept on going over the hill and out of site grumbling about homeless people. ".." ".." ".." ".get rid of the damn body already."  
  
*Meanwhile in Barret's house*  
  
Tifa, Marlene, and Barret were all eating lunch. Tifa was telling Barret about Cloud calling her, "I'm still mad at him for letting all that happen at the party." Barret shrugged, "Cloud can be dense at times, give the guy a break." But Tifa ignored him, "He had a lot of nerve calling me at six on a Saturday." Barret let out a chuckle. "Hey daddy!" Barret looked at Marlene, "Weren't you just saying earlier that Cloud was an ignorant jackass? Weren't you daddy?" Tifa raised her eyebrows at Barret. He coughed uncomfortably, "Uh, Marlene why don't you go play in your room?" "Okay daddy, and don't worry I think Cloud's an ignorant jackass too." And she skipped off. "Barret I told you to stop swearing around Marlene!" "Uh, Tifa I think we have bigger things to worry about." "BIGGER THINGS?? Your teaching your daughter to have a filthy mouth!" "Dammit, Tifa what are we going to do about those bodies!" ".What?" "The drunks that we ditched in Cosmo Canyon!" "Oh.Red XIII is taking care of that."  
  
*Over at Cosmo Canyon (you knew I was going to take you here? Wow your psychic!*  
  
Red XIII stared down into the canyon from up high. He watched somewhat amusedly as Reno, Rude, and all the others that passed out at the party ran from several Griffin's. "Did the others ACTUALLY think I was going to let those fools into the town?" He began to laugh. He started laughing even harder when one of the Griffins screeched at them, making them all yell out in pain. (hello, hang overs) He began to laugh so hard he lost his balance and fell from where he sat.  
  
*Back at the jail*  
  
"Alright your free to go." Cloud didn't know whether to cheer or breakdown and start crying. "Oh h- ubby!" He decided to choose answer C. Find a time machine, go back to the moment he dialed Mukki's number, and smack himself upside the head. The guard looked at Cloud, to Mukki, and back again, and an annoying smile spread across his face. Cloud shook his head, "Look it's not what you think- " Mukki grabbed Cloud from behind, "Hey you, we need to hurry up and get ready for our date tonight!" The guard started chuckling slowly. Cloud desperately wanted to disappear. 


End file.
